The girl who is broken

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This writing is for all those children whose families are perfectly happy from outside but broken inside.
I was born in a family where I had seen my parents fighting from a very early age. If the scenario was arguing and then resolving the problem then I think there would have nothing to worry about. But there have been days I watched my mom screaming like an abnormal human being, my dad breaking plates, fighting to the end where they said they will get a divorce, physical aggression like hitting and pushing, verbal aggression and so on. My mom had left the house several times fighting with my dad. These nerve-wracking incidents haunt me every now and then. Their outbursts froze me in my tracks. Their fights sucked the oxygen out of me. It’s so difficult for me to handle the situations. It's not a joyful event to watch your parents fighting over almost every single thing. I feel unprotected in my own house. Sometimes I feel numb, helpless and heartless. My own parents make me feel like a crap and they don’t even realize it.
I am an average student. From school to till now in the university level, because of the environment of my home I face problems regarding my study. There were days when, instead of telling my friends and teachers that I was crying all the night before exam cause I couldn't concentrate on studies, I had to make excuses whenever they ask about my reason to get bad marks. I couldn’t tell anyone that instead of studying, I had to fix my patents fight, I had to yell at them, I was screaming and crying. And when I was done with all these shits I had to fix myself. I had to make my mind for taking preparation for exam. While the night before exam my classmates and friends were studying hard, I was listening to music with full volume because I had to clear my head first, because I had to throw the garbage out of my mind and heart. While everyone is praised for getting an A, I'm here struggling to get at least a B. No one sees how hard it is for me to even get a B. It’s certainly not a healthy environment to study but I don’t have any other options. I have big dreams that after completing my graduation I will go abroad for my higher studies and get a job. But I doubt if my dreams will ever come true because my grades are going down and down. Pretending every single day like nothing is wrong, hiding the sadness with big smiles and concealing the anger only leading me to become an insensible human being. Sometimes I feel like I'm a psychopath, I don't belong to this world, I don’t get along with anyone and nobody is ever going to understand me and my situations. I am not in my own self now. I've become someone else who's selfish, heartless and dangerous. I've done things that I've never dreamed of doing. I am a living body carrying a dead soul. Their violence has spread into me. I just want to yell at people, throw things away so they break into pieces and hurt others. My parents gave birth to a girl who was sweet and kind to all. Now that girl has turned into a monster. I hate myself and sometimes hate my parents. For the fact that I hate them I hate myself more.